An Honest Viva
Hong chung ji babra bi.
Did you understand it? No? Neither did I. But that's what our textbook reads like a night before the exams.
Yet most of us manage to pass our theory exams, some with the help of their brains and others with the help of people in the vicinity. Group discussions while writing theory exams are as legal as Marijuana in Australia.
Yet most of us manage to pass our theory exams, some with the help of their brains and others with the help of people in the vicinity. Group discussions while writing theory exams are as legal as Marijuana in Australia.
However the catch is, passing your viva.
All of us apply a makeup of sincerity, wear clothes of sobriety and talk words of dignity and decency as someone has rightly said "Being what you are not, will get you more marks in a viva than being who you are".
All of us apply a makeup of sincerity, wear clothes of sobriety and talk words of dignity and decency as someone has rightly said "Being what you are not, will get you more marks in a viva than being who you are".
But have you ever imagined, what would happen if we behave exactly the way we want to rather than following protocols during our viva? Well here's my take on an 'Honest Viva'. Enjoy the conversation!
Disclaimer : This is a pure work of fiction. Resemblance to any person, place, object or anything else is merely coincidental.
[As soon as you enter the room, you are dreaded by the appearance of every single thing that looked just normal a day before. You smell repugnance all around you. You take smaller steps in order to allow your mind to get prepared for what was coming your way.
You start sweating as your Autonomic Nervous System gives in yet you pretend to be normal showing that its the hypothalamus compensating for the hot weather.
You start sweating as your Autonomic Nervous System gives in yet you pretend to be normal showing that its the hypothalamus compensating for the hot weather.
As soon as you sit on the chair with extreme caution as if there were nails embedded on it, you make an eye contact with the most important person in your life at that moment, the viva examiner.
You take time. You look at him/her. Your brain starts drawing conclusions about the examiner from his/her external appearance.
Warm smile - he/she's good
A very fishy delusional smile - this better be a short viva
A grinning look with no smile - I am screwed because he/she already hates me.
Absolutely no facial expressions - Parkinson's. And I am right on this.
Hammering your speech cortex to be nice, you finally open your mouth to utter the most amicable 'Good morning' ever.
Examiner: Good morning. How are you?
And then it starts ....
Me: Desperate! Desperate to pass this viva because they have started sending report cards to my parents. Actually I am exhausted as well. You know I have not watched movies, not even 'those' movies, abstained from love of all kinds (yeah!), avoided chatting to friends on Whatsapp ( whom I always avoid so that's not a big deal). So yeah, I've been pretty bad.
E: So, tell me what have you studied?
Me: Everything, except for what you will ask me during this viva.
Me: Everything, except for what you will ask me during this viva.
E: Shall we start ?
Me: Well, do I have a choice other than saying yes? Let's just get over with it!
Me: Well, do I have a choice other than saying yes? Let's just get over with it!
E: What is........? ( Question 1)
Me: What? Which subject are you talking about? Is that even a word because I don't seem to have any clue about it. Yet I will take out my handkerchief and wipe my face. This will just help me distract you for a few seconds. Okay. I'll look straight into your eyes now. You know I don't know the answer to this question yet I'll make sure that I look smart enough so that you ask me another question that could save my a*s.
Me: What? Which subject are you talking about? Is that even a word because I don't seem to have any clue about it. Yet I will take out my handkerchief and wipe my face. This will just help me distract you for a few seconds. Okay. I'll look straight into your eyes now. You know I don't know the answer to this question yet I'll make sure that I look smart enough so that you ask me another question that could save my a*s.
E: How does ....? (Question 2)
Me: Literally sobbing inside. This is exactly that question which I was reading about when my roommate entered with his/her phone to tell me about DJ Bravo's new album. I wish I would have continued reading. But I'd still try my luck. I'll just pretend to be thinking as if I know it but I can't remember it. I'll look to my left and right and scratch my head a few times. I'll open my mouth to say something but then I'll keep shut again. I won't leave even a single chance to make you feel that I know the answer.
Me: Literally sobbing inside. This is exactly that question which I was reading about when my roommate entered with his/her phone to tell me about DJ Bravo's new album. I wish I would have continued reading. But I'd still try my luck. I'll just pretend to be thinking as if I know it but I can't remember it. I'll look to my left and right and scratch my head a few times. I'll open my mouth to say something but then I'll keep shut again. I won't leave even a single chance to make you feel that I know the answer.
E: What will happen if....( Question 3)
Me : I assume that you have already guessed my intelligence from the low quality of questions that you are throwing at me now. Well I have read about this question. Its just that I was extremely drowsy (Sleep stage 1: dozing) when I started with this answer and its most likely that in the middle of it, I would have fallen asleep (Slow wave sleep ) because I don't seem to remember the entire answer. However, I'll start saying whatever I know. I'll say the same word twice. I'll twist the same sentence that I just said. I'll say anything and everything that comes to mind related (or unrelated) to that question as if I were playing JAM because I know this is my last chance to prove myself to you.
Me : I assume that you have already guessed my intelligence from the low quality of questions that you are throwing at me now. Well I have read about this question. Its just that I was extremely drowsy (Sleep stage 1: dozing) when I started with this answer and its most likely that in the middle of it, I would have fallen asleep (Slow wave sleep ) because I don't seem to remember the entire answer. However, I'll start saying whatever I know. I'll say the same word twice. I'll twist the same sentence that I just said. I'll say anything and everything that comes to mind related (or unrelated) to that question as if I were playing JAM because I know this is my last chance to prove myself to you.
E : Okay, so what is...? (Question 4)
Me : I think my trick worked! Because this question is a bonus one. And yes I know the answer because my friends were discussing about it in the classroom before the viva.
Me : I think my trick worked! Because this question is a bonus one. And yes I know the answer because my friends were discussing about it in the classroom before the viva.
E : Pick up .... and explain.
Me : Okay wait! So this is where I am asked to pick up some random thing out of all the stuff placed on the table. I did not even know that such a question is included in the syllabus. Oh okay, this is the question that all the bright students from my class were talking about before the viva. What was I doing then? Yeah I know. This is when I was clicking pictures for Instagram (#previvascenes #scared #seeyouinawhile ) and obviously uploading my Snapchat story ( the champu look for viva). *regrets*
Me : Okay wait! So this is where I am asked to pick up some random thing out of all the stuff placed on the table. I did not even know that such a question is included in the syllabus. Oh okay, this is the question that all the bright students from my class were talking about before the viva. What was I doing then? Yeah I know. This is when I was clicking pictures for Instagram (#previvascenes #scared #seeyouinawhile ) and obviously uploading my Snapchat story ( the champu look for viva). *regrets*
E: Blah blah......blah blah.
Me: Yes I know the last part. You''ll ask me to study henceforth. And you'll ask me to work more on my concepts. And you'll ask me to pay attention during lectures, cut down on my cell phone, internet, movies and stuff. I will listen to everything that you say as if I was waiting for this advice all my life. I will make facial expressions showing sincerity so that you are convinced to pass me. But we both know things won't happen that way.
Me: Yes I know the last part. You''ll ask me to study henceforth. And you'll ask me to work more on my concepts. And you'll ask me to pay attention during lectures, cut down on my cell phone, internet, movies and stuff. I will listen to everything that you say as if I was waiting for this advice all my life. I will make facial expressions showing sincerity so that you are convinced to pass me. But we both know things won't happen that way.
E: What is your roll number?
Me: The sound of your voice tells me that I am standing on that thin line between passing and failing. So I'll smile at you. I'll make sure that I look miserable. I want you to have pity on me and give me that 'golden' passing mark.
Me: The sound of your voice tells me that I am standing on that thin line between passing and failing. So I'll smile at you. I'll make sure that I look miserable. I want you to have pity on me and give me that 'golden' passing mark.
And then finally I step out of that horrifying room. All my fellow classmates are present outside looking at me as if I were some celebrity, expecting some help from me. I do my job by telling them each and every question that I was asked. And when they ask me how my viva went..all I say is " I tried my best, the rest is upon God".
Remember what Dr. House says..Everybody lies!
#seeyouuntilnexttime
So true :P
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